i'm going crazy, man i'm losin' my mind
by blue-starryeyed-songjay
Summary: Portkeys could be anything, apart from yourself. Even a gavel, for example. Wesley Montgomery- perfect Dalton student. Throw in McKinley High via portkey/gavel, David, Westana and well, there's a problem. Oh, and introducing Bravid. Yes. Brittany/David.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I KNOW I SHOULD BE WORKING ON THE LATEST CHAPTER FOR KLAINE: WALKING ON SUNSHINE BUT THAT CHAPTER IS REFUSING TO WRITE ITSELF AND I HAVEN'T EVEN WORKED THE PULAINE FRIENDSHIP.**

** Okay. I was PM-ing with MusicalEscape/Em and somehow, I managed to come up with an idea. IT...WAS..._THIS ONESHOT!_**

**I wrote this on a plane whilst listening to As If We Never Said Goodbye, so sorry if it feels...weird. Just...o_0**

** I think this is more of a canon!Wes to fandom!Wes.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own glee, can't sue me. Sue. Can't Sue Sylvester me. Hey, that's cool. I own Joseph though.**

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><p>'Wes,' Jospeh began proudly. 'The Warblers have decided to elect you leader of the Council next year. Congratulations. We hope that...'<p>

Joseph's voice drifted out of Wes's mind as he processed the news. Adam had managed to sneakily hint at it yesterday by telling him that he needed to stoick out on gavel polishing materials, but Wes was too busy trying to get Blaine to admit his type.

'Wes? Wes. Wes...' Joseph was worried, waving his hand in front of Wes's face, who jolted in his seat when he remembered Joseph was actually talking to him.

'Pardon?' After all, Wes was always told to be polite and to never say, 'What' or-god forbid- 'Huh?'. Good gentlemen never said-

'Wes? You've done it again.' Joseph said firmly.

'Sorry.'

'I will now present you with your gavel. Take good care of it- you will be using it regularly, so you'll have to make sure it's cleaned properly and so on. A good Council leader never allows his gavel to get dirty.'

'Did that sound...dirty to you?' Wes asked.

'Yes.' Joseph frowned. 'Sometimes I wonder why Dalton is percieved as a gay school, but I think I understand now. Okay, I need to tell you something about-'

'Are you wearing bio-hazard gloves?'

'Yes, that has to do with the gav-'

'ALL RIGHT,' Blaine shouted, storming into the choir room. 'David and you have been pestering me for days- here it is. I like boys who are taller than me, have a good sense of humor, preferably sarcastic, can put up with my dorkiness, has nice brown hair, amazing eyes- I don't really care which colour but blue or green would be awesome and he needs to be able to sing very well. It would be great if he's fashionable too, but I'll probably meet this guy and he'll be in a loving, committed relationship with the- I don't know- Sam Evans kind of guy.'

'Blaine,' Wes said quietly. 'Sam Evans is straight.'

'THAT'S THE POINT!' Blaine shrieked and stormed out.

Blaine stormed out and Joseph raised an eyebrow.

'I'd better make sure he's okay. He seemed pretty...' Joseph struggled to come up with the appropriate word and Wes simply shooed him away. Joseph hurried out and dropped the gavel he was about to hand to Wes. Wes's quick reflexes allowed him to catch the gavel though, and-

Hang on. Where was he?

Wes was in a public school. That was enough to shock him into standing still. A girl bumped into him and he apologized, but the girl merely glared at him. She was wearing a cheerleader's outfit and she was pleasant to look at.

'What are you looking at, new kid?' she snapped.

Oh. Okay. Not so pleasant to talk to.

She strutted away, the cheerleader's skirt swishing against her legs. A geeky looking guy with mad hair walked past and began interviewing a pale boy. Wes could faintly hear what he was saying. Something about karaoke and autotune.

' You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something.' the boy said. He had quite a high voice. Wes smiled. This guy had attitude and his vocal range was probably amazing.

'Say what you have to say TO MY FACE.'

Wes gasped in horror as a jock walked by and threw an ice-cold red beverage into his face. Everyone hardly batted an eye at this and Wes was ready to tear his hair out.

'Welcome back, _lady_!_'_

So, they were bullying the guy because he was gay? Wes frowned and another jock was suddenly in his face.

'Hey new kid,' he sneered.

'Hello.' Wes automatically replied.

'What's your name?' he leered unpleasantly. 'I bet it's something like Loving Fagserson.'

'It's Wes-' Wes began, but he cut off suddenly. If he gave the jocks his real name, tracking him down and general bullying would be easier.

'Wes?'

'Wes...mond.'

'Full name, new kid.'

'Wesmond...Jeff Nicholson-Anderson-Thompson.' Wes fleshed out, hoping the hypenated surname would confuse the dim jock. 'The third.' he added when he realized his name wasn't impressive enough.

'You posh?'

'Actually, it's 'are you posh?'.' He corrected automatically.

'Hey! Azimio!' The jock said menacingly. 'The new kid's being all stuck up.'

'Oh really?'

'Uh huh. And his name's all long and fancy too. I'm thinking maybe a slushie would help the stick up his butt fall out.'

'Yeah. You get the slushie.'

'No, you get the slushie.'

'Why don't you both get the slushie?' Wes suggested weakly. He quickly slipped away and shuddered. He wondered how that pale boy handled it.

Suddenly, someone pushed him into a girls bathroom and a short girl began singing. Wes was blown away from the sheer richness of her voice. The other girl seemed surprised and jealous of this and joined in. She was almost as amazing, but Wes guessed she would be best whilst singing a ballad rather than a Lady Gaga song. Wes smiled as he enjoyed the kick-ass duet when suddenly-

'SHUT UP!'

Wes blinked.

'AND YOU! OTHER OTHER ASIAN, PERVING IN A GIRLS BATHROOM LISTENING TO THAT GOD AWFUL SHRIEKING! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?'

Wes had possibly never been more terrified in his whole life when the two girls turned around, one with a shocked expression and one with a furious expression.

He weakly held up a hand. 'I come in peace.'

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><p>Somehow, Wes managed to get back to the corridor without invoking the wrath of the ladies. It was scary enough, until someone who looked scarily liked Sam Evans walked down the hall- but Sam Evans didn't have shocking blond hair that was obviously dyed.<p>

Ignoring one of the most disturbing things he had ever seen- a blonde Sam Evans, because really?- Wes wondered how he would get back to Dalton. He quickly decided this was the weirdest dream he had ever had, until something happened that made him realize it was real.

He fell over.

The floor was solid.

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><p><strong>To Be Continued...right? I mean, 'Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me' will be coming.<strong>

** But this probably won't get updated in ages.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Erm...hi? Remember me?**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>**BWAHAHAHA ****no.**

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><p>The floor was solid. Definitely. He was going to get a bruise.<p>

Wes breathed in deeply, before almost choking. The floor smelt strongly like syrup. He guessed it was from the slushy that was thrown in the pale boy's face.

Speaking of which...

He stood up and walked into the boy's bathroom and was greeted by the sight of the boy scrubbing his face gently.

'Hello,' Wes said. His hand automatically shot up.

'Hello.' the boy said harshly. He flinched slightly at the sudden movement, but gingerly shook Wes's hand. Wes couldn't shake the feeling of deja vu, almost as if someone had described the boy before.

'My name's Wes.' Wes said.

'Kurt.' Kurt replied curtly.

There was a sudden air of awkwardness. Wes found himself thinking about Kurt and his personality-he was tall-ish, witty and his eyes were...well, Wes didn't know that.

'So, is that normal around here?' Wes found himself asking. His voice was shrieking, _Ask __him __what __his __relationship __status __is! __You __could __set __him __up with __Jeff! _Kurt turned to glare at Wes, who recoiled immediately. He noted that Kurt's eyes were a startling green.

'You're eyes are green.'

'Glasz,' Kurt corrected. 'Blue-green-grey.'

'That's charming.' Wes replied. There were a couple beats of complete, awkward silence which Kurt quickly broke.

'What do you want?'

'I'm sorry?'

'Do you want to make become my friend, then humiliate me in front of the whole school? Because that's just despicable.'

'I'd rather you didn't assume things.' Wes snapped. Kurt winced, as if expecting pain, but he straightened his already perfect posture and glared at Wes.

'I-'

'You're Blaine's dream-boy!' Wes realised. Kurt was momentarily dumb-founded.

'Blaine...who's Blaine?'

'Look, you've got brown hair and a bow-tie and everything!'

Kurt frowned.

'Blaine loves bow-ties!'

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><p>A few minutes after listing all of Kurt's characteristics, Wes found himself being shoved outside of the girls bathroom. A Hispanic cheerleader pushed past Wes and turned around. She smiled seductively and walked off, the pleats of her skirt swishing against her skin.<p>

Wes shook his head in disbelief.

Thankfully, Wes managed to find his car. It was somehow parked in the school's parking lot, with no visible damage. He drove back to Westerville, wondering.

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><p>The next time Wes touched his gavel, David had forced him into it.<p>

David had commented that Wes seemed less formal than usual, and Wes snapped.

'Do you want to know why? Because my gavel appears to have gone haywire!'

David's eye narrowed. 'Your gavel can't go haywire.'

'Oh, trust me. It can. Whenever I touch my gavel-' Wes stopped to shake his head and brush imaginary lint off his blazer. 'Whenever I touch my gavel, I appear to be transported into a school I believe is called 'William McKinley High'.'

David nodded, disbelieving. 'I'l believe you-'

Wes grabbed his bio-hazard gloves, put them on and dropped the gavel into David's lap. David, at that exact moment, decided to grab Wes's arm to stop him from doing something.

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><p>'Where are we?' David muttered.<p>

'Guess.' Wes drawled.

'McKinley?' David guessed. Wes nodded, before jumping into a bush. David looked around.

'Wesley? Where are you?'

'Call me Wes,' Wes hissed and he grabbed David's arm. Wes stuck his head out of the bush and promptly hid. Two cheerleaders were

_I was feeling done in, couldn't win,_

_I'd only ever kissed before..._

'You mean she-?'

'Uh-huh.'

David almost shrieked out loud, but Wes slapped him across the face silently. He made a shushing gesture to David and made a snapping motion.

'You'll snap me?' David whispered. Wes nodded. This repeated for a while- David didn't seem to grasp the idea of death threats.

'I'll kill you if you don't shut up!'

There was a sudden silence from the cheerleaders, who appeared to have been humming along.

'Miss Pilsbury just ripped off Mr Schue's shirt.'

'Britt, honey, I know. I'm right here.'

Wes clapped a hand over David's mouth. David promptly screamed.

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><p><em>No, <em>David thought. _Why are these two cheerleaders giving us commentary? We don't need to know about Mr Schue's chest, or Miss Pilsbury's newly-found sex appeal! Who are these people? How dare they...perform coitus inside a school!_

'Ooh, this is hot.'

_What? _David's inner mind shrieked. Wes shushed David loudly, smacking him gently and then hastily covered his mouth again.

'I'm pretty sure this is turning me on.' the same girl stated. David's eyes widened and Wes rolled his eyes.

'I know,' he whispered.

'Britt,' the other girl whispered. 'Don't freak out.'

David instantly tensed up. What if the girl was going to kiss her? What is she started...pleasuring herself because she was so turned on?

'But there are two pervs hiding in the bushes.'

David instantly froze. Pervs? Why would a pedophile hide in the bushes, an obvious hiding place? And why would a pedophile watch two teachers perform coitus in a school?

Wes paled and began scrambling backwards silently. David frowned and turned around to face a furious Latina and a pretty blonde gazing at them.

'Good afternoon,' David found himself saying. 'And how is your evening so far?'

'It was pretty good until two prep-school gay boys found their way into a public school's bushes and decided to throw around words like _coitus_ Which era are you from, anyway?' the Latina fired back. David felt his cheeks draining of colour.

'I'm presumably from the 21st Century, ma'am.'

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><p><em>Frick on a stick.<em>

Wes was pretty sure they were going to die,or at least spontaneously combust from the furious glare the cheerleader was directing at them.

'Did you just _whimper_?' she asked him, her ponytail bobbing.

_Oh well. Death should be nice._

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><p>'Lemme me get this straight.' Santana said, her eyes narrowing. 'You come from Gay Prep Academy and a mysterious little hammer brought you to this school.'<p>

'Ma'am, I believe it's a lot more complicated than-'

'Shut your face with the 'ma'am' business. I come from the wrong side of tracks.'

David paled. 'You don't mean...Lima Heights?'

'Mmm-hmm.' Santana nodded. 'I bet your momma told you bad stories about us.'

David simply nodded.

'My momma told me stories about unicorns!' Brittany chirps happily.

Wes saw the look of defeat in David's eyes. He saw the predatory in Santana's when she looked at him and the alert, confusing brightness of Brittany's.

'Wanna make those bad dreams a reality?' Santana offered seductively, crooking a long finger and casually unfolding Wes's tie. Brittany began beaming at David, somehow making it clear that she'd, in David's words, 'perform in the act of coitus' with him.

Then Wes realised it. Neither of them were coming out of this experience sane.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nada. Zilch. Nothing. I don't own anything apart from this awesome Spongebob shirt I'm wearing.**

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><p>He didn't know how he did it. Maybe it was his awesome ninja skills, maybe it was just sheer terror or maybhe really needed to pee in a sanitary toilet in peace, where there wouldn't be singing girls and a scary cheerleading coach. Hell, maybe it was all three. But he got out alive. Victory had never tasted sweeter. Or more alive. Wes grinned, taking in David's shocked face and laughed, his sides aching.<p>

'Do you believe me about the magic gavel?'

'I never said I didn't.' David sulked. 'That school is insane.'

'Talented though. Santana's got a pair of pipes on her.'

'Since when?'

'Grow some ears, David. As we were fleeing for our lives, I heard Santana singing to Brittany.'

'Shush. They can smell disbelief.'

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><p>Blaine groaned as Wes began another detailed recount of McKinley. He completely tuned out, ignoring the animated gestures and frantic speaking.<p>

'-AND HE'S COMPLETELY YOUR TYPE IT'S FREAKY OH GOD BLAINE BLAINE BLAINE BLAINE LISTEN-'

'Wes, Blaine isn't listening.' David said gently.

Blaine frowned. 'Wes.'

'Yes?'

'David used a contraction. What's wrong?'

'I told you. My gavel transports me to McKinley High.' Wes sighed.

'It's like a portkey.' Blaine supplied, frowning.

'I haven't read the Harry Potter series, Blaine. Not all of us read in our spare time.'

'Well, you should. It's the perfect explanation for this...thing.' Blaine waved his hands wildly, wincing as he almost hit his mountain pile of books.

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><p>'Oh.' Blaine let out a short breath.<p>

Wes had stormed up to him angrily, before dragging him into the room with a sighing David.

'I HAVE AN IDEA.' Wes shouted.

'Me too. Shut up.' David retaliated. Wes rolled his eyes, before taking off his plastic gloves and forcing the other two to touch the small hammer.

'Ple-' Blaine began, before blinking. He was in a public school.

David sighed as Blaine raced towards the nearest bush and retched.

'It's always the hardest on the first time, isn't it?'

'Sadly so. But I guess Kurt'll take care of that, won't he?'

David nodded. 'It's almost painful how inexperienced he is.'

'Shut up,' Blaine choked out. 'It's really annoying now and you sound as if you're discussing bedroom problems.'

'Just say it,' Wes sighed. 'It sounds as if we're discussing_ boners.'_

Blaine spluttered, choking on his own flying spittle.

'T-True gentlemen are not supposed to s-say such _words!'_

_'_You haven't had a taste of McKinley, Blainers. The teachers sing about touching and strip on the school grounds.' Wes said seriously, before turning around and peering through the bushes Blaine had puked in.

'Huh.'

'What?'

'Your vomit didn't have carrots. They usually have carrots.'

'HEY! YOU!'

The trio turned around, looking rather like three very startled, innocent deers caught in the headlights of a monster truck. Wes exhaled angrily at the sight of the bickering football players who had attempted to throw a drink at him.

'Gentlemen.' Wes said curtly, before trying to suavely turn around and walk off.

'Don't walk away,' one began.

'We need to teach you a lesson.'

Wes looked around at David and Blaine. David looked cool, almost as if he was listening to music, albeit a slight constipated look. Blaine, on the other hand. Sweating, breathing heavily, blazer growing damper and damper, eyebrows scrunching up as if he was 14 again, at the Sadie's Hawkins dance.

Then Wes thought of the chances of running with these two people away from _football _players.

They were royally fucked, weren't they?

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><p><strong>To be continued...<strong>

**Well, it's got to be.**


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